A Distant Love

©Stacie Sandall

A Distant Love

Staring at me

from a paper window,

your eyes speak safely

from so long ago.

I caress your face freely

as I wonder who you are.

Are your eyes blue,

your hair black?

Your clothes a touch unwashed,

yet your mustache groomed,

stoic and steady,

like a statue you sit.

Here you lay

on a table of this and that.

Your existence forgotten,

but this proof you once breathed.

Your feet once trod this earth,

shoes worn and broken.

The only footprint left behind

costs a quarter.

Naked Music

©Stacie Sandall

Every day without you

is like a song unwritten,

naked pages blowing

through the trees.

Lyrics unspoken,

black lines left bare,

no notes wafting

on the breeze.

The dance we will never share

will be contained to the shadows,

under the stars,

pulsing to no beat at all.

Empty sound

mimicking the hollow of me,

resonates deep,

where my fears crawl.

I'd write you a song,

but I don't know the words.

The melody in my soul

is devoid of form.

The rhythm undone

by the thumping of my heart,

I've been shaken to my core,

no longer warm.

No Winning

©Stacie Sandall

I can't win this game.

Why even play?

I drudge through the fires

every damned day.

There is no end.

I'll lose anyway.

Why am I here?

Why do I have to stay?

I'm here all alone

with no one to hold.

I've no one to warm me

when my heart gets cold.

Why aren't you here?

My heart feels so old.

Why am I here?

Why shouldn't I fold?

Why aren't you here?

Why won't you touch me?

I'm dead inside waiting,

frustrated and lonely.

I've nothing to lose

and nothing to gain.

I've walked through the coals,

endured all the pain.

I've weathered the snow,

the wind and the rain.

Why are my efforts all in vain?

Chances Gone

©Stacie Sandall

You know without one word

that you're decaying as you stand.

Your skin is growing paler.

Just look down at your hand.

You reflect upon the decades

with ire and remorse,

as your heart pumps ever slower

from its withered, flailing source.

Your tears of guilt and fear

pour down like acid rain

as you grab your pounding chest

from the misery and pain.

The sky is growing dimmer.

Your tongue begins to swell.

The ground beneath is closer

and warmed by fires of hell.

The screaming and the roaring

of the blaze's undertow

carries you to the nethers,

to the rotting depths below.

Claw and shriek and kick

as the current tides you away.

There is no other choice.

You're in eternal flames to stay.

Too Late

©Stacie Sandall

You don't give a damn

until it's too late.

By then I'm all but gone.

You too easily speak

words of hate.

Who cares if you are wrong?

My soul is broken,

battered and bruised.

My heart is burned black as coal.

You cannot mend

what you have used,

nor the spirit that you stole.

You cannot undo

the damaged days.

You cannot make things right.

All you can do

is change your ways.

I've given up the fight.

Tooth and Nail

©Stacie Sandall

Push me down.

See what happens.

Tear my heart.

Let it scar.

I'll stand up

ever stronger.

I'll be taller

than you are.

Push me down

with your tongue.

Leave me there.

Watch me cry.

Leave me weeping.

Turn your back.

Walk away

as I dab my eyes.

Push me down.

Keep on sneering.

Keep on thinking

that you're right.

Just so you know,

my emotions

won't be damaged

without a fight.

You Killed Me

©Stacie Sandall

You killed me,

that's what you did.

You took my heart

and smothered it in filth.

You killed me.

You know you did.

You choked the life

out of my soul.

You killed me.

You like what you did.

You controlled and you pushed.

You slapped me with your untamed tongue.

You killed me.

You deny what you did.

You forced my hand

and wielded the knife

that killed me.

You'll Know

©Stacie Sandall

Someday you'll realize what you've done to me.

Someday you'll realize what I need.

Someday you'll validate my heart's pain

and learn by hurting me you've none to gain.

Someday you'll know how bad your words sting.

Someday you'll know what foul lips can bring.

Someday you'll notice I've gone for good

and learn you didn't do all you could.

Someday you'll think about what you've said.

Someday you'll think about where your words have lead.

Someday you'll wish you'd taken them back

and learned you've lost all because of your attack.

Someday you'll hear the words you hate to hear.

Someday you'll have come true your biggest fear.

Someday you'll wish you'd kept your tongue at bay

and learn what things you shouldn't say.

Someday you'll be wanting me to come back to you.

Someday you'll be wanting me to forgive you, too.

Someday you'll see you have no heart

and learn why we finally had to part.

Lick the Wounds

©Stacie Sandall

your finger on the button

feels so good, like it should

your hateful teeth on call

moving swift, tore a rift

your guilt-trips fail to stick

you apologize, dab your eyes

I won't be fooled again

I'm too smart, will protect my heart

I cannot, will not, be

your dog to kick, your scab to pick

I will not be at fault

I'm not to blame, will feel no shame

Tables Turned

©Stacie Sandall

Words from my soul

speak silence to your mind,

their cries never ending,

returned with words unkind.

My need for you is unnoticed,

my longing without your care.

My constant want for your time 

is always lurking there.

It's never enough for you,

my time and energy.

But when the table's turned

the standard changes for me.

You've broken me right down

with the hypocrite in you.

You've torn me into shreds

and I'm running out of glue.

Puppet

©Stacie Sandall

let me control you

let me be free

let me dictate to you

let me be me

let me demand of you

I do as I please

let me chastise you

get on your knees

let me control you

as I do what I want.

ignore my behavior

as I torture and taunt

let me tell you 

what you can and not do

let me do as I like 

with no regard to you

let me crush you 

and stand on your head

let me make you 

wish you were dead

Salt the Wound

©Stacie Sandall

All I needed was you.

Now acid rain falls from your mouth.

I cannot flee as the drops singe my body.

Your deaf ears muffle my cries.

Your eyes dance with delight.

The curvature of your mouth enjoys my pain.

A gnarled twig to defend my honor,

I hold it close, armed and ready.

You take the stick and salt the wound.

I see your truth, smeared and bent.

You've smothered me in your quicksand;

to have and hold, to laugh and sneer.

Here I sit with wounds unhealed in a world I cannot leave.

Wednesday Morning Realization

©Stacie Sandall

All of me I give to you

and keep nothing for myself.

I wade through mud and stormy seas

and put my own feelings on a shelf.

You say you'll give me love

if I give you more.

You say that you'll show me love

if you I don't ignore, but...

How much is more than everything?

How much longer will my "inadequacy" sting?

Why isn't my all good enough for you?

How long is more than eternity?

What price is your insecurity?

How much more must I try to live up to?

Why don't you see how you resent?

Why do you hold back as punishment?

How much is more than all that I've committed?

How much more do I need to bleed?

How many times do I have to plead?

How long until you see that I've submitted?

Why is your love a reward to earn?

Why do you doubt me at every turn?

Why do you want more than I can give?

Why must I cry for you to hear?

Why no concern for my every tear?

When do you want me to forgive?

Why do you burden my heart with this weight?

Why do you twist my words into hate?

Why do you see me as the enemy?

When will you believe the words I say?

When will you see how I love you each day?

When will you lift this torment from me?

Shame

©Stacie Sandall

I feel you watching,

ignoring when I call.

I feel you hovering around me,

waiting for me to fall.

I reach into the blackness,

feeling forsaken and ashamed.

I reach for your acceptance,

a way to be unblamed.

I cry from your disdain

as you wrongly extinguish my sun.

I cry in my own pity,

feeling dirty for things I’ve not done.

I'm driven to defense

the more you twist your knife.

I'm driven down to beg and plea

as I justify my life.

I flinch at your words,

hateful and accusing.

I flinch at your thoughts,

tainted and seething.

I can't seem to convince you

that I have done nothing.

I can't seem to please you.

In your past I'm drowning.

Gone

©Stacie Sandall

My love is gone.

Where did it go?

Up in the sky

or buried below?

My love is gone.

Where did it hide?

Out in the shadows

or sunken inside?

My love is gone.

Why did it leave?

Was it something he said

that I didn't believe?

My love is gone.

It was the verbal assault.

It was the constant belief

that I was at fault.

My love is gone.

When does it return?

I guess love and trust

he will have to earn.

Thoughts of You

©Stacie Sandall

Thoughts of you run through my head

in my wake or in my bed.

Thoughts of you fill my days,

and fill my heart in ominous ways.

Thoughts of you fill my dreams,

and fill my nights, so it seems.

Thoughts of you dwell in my heart,

the heart that aches when we're apart.

Thoughts of you with another one

tear a hole in my heart the size of the sun.

Thoughts of you blind my eyes

with hope that your heart will hear my cries.

Nonexistent

©Stacie Sandall

nothing left but to pretend

pretend no tears are burning

pretend my heart's intact

pretend your words aren't maiming

pretend I can sleep again

pretend that I am eating 

pretend my soul is complete

pretend I don't hear your hating

pretend your love is still here

pretend that you can hear me

pretend I'm not on a leash

pretend I can think clearly

pretend that I still matter

pretend no tears are falling

pretend all feeling is gone

pretend your words are healing

The Send-off

©Stacie Sandall

You gave me pretty packages

wrapped in gems and hearts galore.

I dared not to unwrap them,

but with love my heart did pour.

Each day you gave more boxes

shimmering bright with silver and gold.

I kept those boxes on the shelf

and to you my heart was sold.

The boxes piled up so high,

my happiness abound.

I thought they'd tide me over

during the time you weren't around.

I felt a little heart-sick

with you at such a length.

I sat among the treasures

to gather up my strength.

I pulled the fancy ribbons,

and when all the lids were lifted

what I saw was terrifying.

My stomach violently shifted.

The dusty bottoms of each box

stared me in the face.

I thought it was love, not a blatant shove,

in each dreadfully hollow case.

Don't Doubt Me

©Stacie Sandall

Don't doubt me

as I stand before you

with everything in hand.

Don't doubt me,

as I give to you

everything I can.

Don't doubt me

after all I've done

to make you my priority.

Don't doubt me

after all I've said,

after all I beg and plea.

Don't doubt me

when the chips are down

and you feel a bit off track.

Don't doubt me

when I say to you,

"I've always got your back."

Don't doubt me

when you're insecure

and feel alone inside.

Don't doubt me

when I tell you

I will be right by your side.

See Me

©Stacie Sandall

see me, not her

I love, not hurt

see me, a clean slate

pure love you can take

see me with hear anew

every hour I wait for you

see me with untainted eyes

look beyond the others' lies

see me as I am

empty vessel full of sand